The best advice is to always understand that it is not about you and their behavior can only affect you if you choose it to. It is quite useful to set the phone down on your desk and let the other party talk to your desk.
Read this item and then recall that you do not care anyway.
You have ample agendas to complete and they will not be advanced by any other so they are not important. If then you must still deal with such a person you learn to do a work around and use what works. My daughter simply went out shopping and bought everyone in the office an appropriate gift. Highly effective.
Remembeer that little trick. The Greeks had it right.
.
The world is full of assholes. Here’s what to do about it.
Warning: Colourful language
http://alexalinton.com/what-to-do-about-it/
I don’t care what kind of
rose-coloured glasses you sport, the reality remains that the world has
just about as many assholes as it can handle. The guy that cut you off
this morning in traffic AND then gave you the finger, that guy who makes
inappropriate comments every time he takes a breath, the lady at
Starbucks who spills her coffee on your new shoes and doesn’t even look
back and all the power-tripping buggers with mama issues and well, let’s
face it, Donald Trump.
We all know them and we all love to
hate them, spending countless hours plotting our revenge, our fabulous
comebacks, and how to orchestrate that one thing that will hurt them
back just as much as they have hurt you. Hold that thought. Because you
and I both know that there is no comeback in the world that is going to
make an asshole magically turn into something else, like a gentleman or a
saint. And this is the most annoying, verging on infuriating, part of
it all.
So if your revenge plots, wickedly
awesome comebacks and semi-serious murder fantasies aren’t going to cut
it, how are you going to deal with the assholes in your life in a way
that actually works?
Well, I’m sure you’ll be relieved to
hear that (1) it is totally possible and (2) it actually doesn’t have a
heck of a lot to do with them (because frankly, forcing an asshole to
change is not quite an impossibility but close to it). Let’s get started
shall we?
First things first. We must start by truly understanding what an asshole actually is.
Anatomy lesson coming right up…
An asshole is, anatomically speaking,
a member of the sphincter family (yes you can go ahead and say
sphincter again – it’s just so fun to say!). But in this case, the very
very tight ring of connective tissue is well, how do I say this nicely,
full of shit. Hear me out. The assholes in your life, including your own
inner asshole – and yes, we all do act like assholes some of the time,
are more often than not, super duper tightly wound, tension-filled balls
of nerves with a whole lot of shit they have not worked out yet.
Yep, take a moment to think on it and
run the current assholes of your life through your mind. Guy in the
car? Probably has two kids at home that drive him a bit nutty, a wife
who he may or may not love anymore, debt that he could drown in, and a
mortgage up to his eyeballs, plus that gambling addiction he’s been
lying about for years. That guy at dance probably wasn’t hugged enough
as a kid, has had multiple heart breaks at the hands of women and as a
result, is sporting a serious grudge against the female gender. That
woman in the coffee shop? Maybe she just got out of a twenty year
loveless marriage and is smack dab in the middle of a super nasty
divorce. And Donald, well, it’s anyone’s guess what kind of shit he’s
carrying around. You get the picture.
The thing we need to realize about assholes is that they are
emotionally constipated – their sphincter has taken a hiatus and they,
for the time being, are stuck with a shitload of emotional baggage that
is eating away at them on the inside. Yes, I went a little graphic
there, but the point is this. Your revenge plots, witty comebacks and
murder fantasies, most likely are not going to improve their situation
or yours. Assholes are like lions in the zoo, it’s really best for
everyone concerned if you don’t feed them, especially by throwing
yourself in the pen. They actually might take a fair bit of pleasure, at
this moment, in eating you alive.
I say at this moment, because in their heart of hearts, assholes are
not bad people. Nobody is. Are there hearts barred off like Alcatraz?
Definitely. Do they have more protective mechanisms in place then the
best laid trap? Oh yeah. Do they often take pleasure in hurting others
including you? You bet. Do they enjoy it when you react? You can count
on it. But, in the end, do they want to be this person? Probably not.
And finally, and most essentially, do they know another way? Hmmm…
And that is the crux of the asshole.
They find themselves in a pattern of being, a veritable rut in the road.
A cemented and imprisoning coping mechanism that is working against
even themselves and what they truly want. And you better believe that
they hate themselves for it and well, probably a few others. And yes,
all that hatred and blame and angst and nastiness, is the shit storm you
just walked into.
Time to look at your own asshole.
And by this I mean the part of you that acts like an asshole some of
the time. Not that looking at your own asshole wouldn’t be kind of an
awkwardly hilarious experience requiring some rather specific mirror
placement. But that is an aside. Anyways…
You all have a little bit of an
asshole inside of you and I’m not just talking anatomy. I definitely do.
Here’s a little quiz to know for sure…
- You have talked about someone behind their back and it wasn’t all sunshine and roses.
- You blamed someone for something even though you knew, deep down, it wasn’t their fault. In fact, it was totally your error.
- You’ve done something you knew was mean or inconsiderate or just not cool to another person and you kinda, sorta liked it.
- You justified an action that was not so cool with something along the lines of “they did it first!”.
- You lied about something to make life easier for yourself.
- You said something, anything, depreciating about yourself. Or thought it. Or felt it. Nope never? I call bullshit.
The truth is that pretty much
everyone has their moments of being mean, purposefully hurtful and a
deliberate pain in the ass. Because pretty much every one of us has an
area or two that is way too tightly wound with some unreleased shit
involved. Here’s why…
And I’m going to try not to get too
heavy with this. Trauma. Emotional, physical, mental. All of the above.
We’ve all experienced it even if we’ve written it off as “normal” or
“not-so-bad”. Regardless of whether you own it, your body does, and
trauma always leaves tension and pain in it’s wake. It has to. The fact
of the matter is that it has an effect. And we’ll get back to that in a
second.
Bringing compassion to the assholes
I know it sounds cheesy. And perhaps
you’re making that gag gesture with your finger as your read this. I’m
totally ok with that. Because the asshole in me recognizes the asshole
in you. Yes, I just said that. And I might just be giggling madly but
you’ll never know.
Here’s the thing. We are not going to
help the assholes of the world by being an asshole back. In fact, it
just makes things worse (as good as it feels at the time). And we’re
also not going to help them by laying there and taking their crap.
Neither of these options are effective. Enter option number three, four
and potentially five.
Sometimes, the best course of action
is to walk away. Perhaps you already have your quota of assholes in your
life and this one is most definitely expendable. And you definitely
don’t have the time and energy for this shit. Awesome. In which case,
take an about face and let them go. And by let go I mean completely.
Completely. If you’re still have revenge thoughts and calling them nasty
names in your head then the cleansing process is not fully complete. Do
more. Breathe them out of your system. Forgive them. Get a healing
session. Whatever it takes. As I like to say, do not spend another ounce
of energy on this person. Period.
Sometimes, your asshole is not so
easily dismissed. Like maybe they’re your boss or a family member. In
which case, you’ve got some great learning on your hands. You’ve just
entered a whole new level of compassionate living. Because it’s so easy
to love the nice people and so, so much harder to love an asshole who’s
intent on making your life miserable. Remember compassion does not
equate to being a push-over. It means seeing the truth. Which is, more
than likely, that this person is so miserable with their life that they
take pleasure in making other people miserable. And that just sucks.
Because it makes you wonder what kind of trauma went into creating a
sphincter that tightly wound with that much emotional constipation. This
is not an exercise in feeling sorry for someone. Instead, it is an
exercise in understanding – the sense that even in a small small way you
get what is happening for them and how much it must suck. And you feel a
sense of connection to that pain they’re experiencing and where it is
rooted. Because you can almost bet that it has absolutely zero to do
with you.
Remember, boundaries are a must
during this process. Boundaries are different from consequences. They
lay down the guidelines of how you need to be treated. No ifs, ands or
buts. A healthy boundary is fair, crystal clear and completely
consistent. A healthy boundary is loving but not to be fucked with.
Sometimes your asshole is yourself. Perhaps your inner critic has
been on a rampage and it’s lasted for years. Perhaps you’ve been known
to beat yourself up on the regular? In which case, it’s high time that
came to an end. We are abundantly terrible to ourselves – we call
ourselves names, criticize and judge, and generally terrorize ourselves
into action with threats and shoulds. And we pretty much all do it. It’s
like the assholes of our past have come to haunt us in our head as our
inner voices. Here’s the good news. You are in charge of your own ship.
No one else. You get to say who stays and who walks the plank. Your
inner critics are just like the assholes of your past, terrified, so
full of fear that they bully you into staying the same, staying quiet,
stopping that strange behavior. It’s all protection. Little do they know
that you’ve got this. So tell them. Share that there is nothing to
fear. That you have become a powerful, capable human being who can make
your own decisions. Do the work to turn these demons into allies. Get
help. Whatever it takes. Your life depends on it.
Ok, this rant could go on forever,
but alas, we only have so much time in the day to sit about and ponder
the truth about assholes. So for now, let’s call it a day, but don’t
fret, there is more to be said on this loaded topic.
And everyone, for the love of God,
don’t vote for Trump. No one wants or needs an asshole running the world
– it’s just a really really bad idea.
Xo
Alexa
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